Monday, June 27, 2011

St. Patricks Day 2011 Part II

Part II
March 17th 2011

My next clear memory is of me stumbling out of the Nashville Predators arena , stinking drunk with my friends in tow. At this point my cognitive abilities were that of a person with spina bifida. I was bumping into stationary objects and slurring my speech. On our way to the bars my friend Peaches decided to stop and speak with a few police officers. Why? I have no idea, she is quite literally the life of the party and can charm the pants off anyone, authorities included. When I saw her surrounded by the police, I ran over to her thinking she was in trouble and trying to diffuse the situation. The police immediately took an aggressive stance (from what I remember)

Cop: Oh who the fuck is this tough guy?

Me: Uhhh um officer that's my girlfriend, we're going now.

I grabbed peaches hand and we started running to catch up to our group. As we were running I heard one of the cops say "Damn and she was hot"... That pissed me off, instead of hitting on drunk girls , do your jobs cock suckers. We ended up hitting a bar that looked like a 1970's roller rink, it was creepy. I immediately took it upon myself to stand on a table while simultaneously drinking a green beer and eating sweet potato french fries. The funny thing is I was acting like an obnoxious shithead and I knew that the bouncers or bartenders would tell me to get off the table, but they never did. This prompted my friends to join me on the table top where we drank enough booze to make Tara Reid jealous.

We left that bar to either go back to the hotel or to another bar I truly cannot remember. On our way we noticed an argument across the street from us. There were about 6 guys yelling racial epithets at each other and god knows what else. One guy was thrown to the ground and proceeded to literally have his head stomped into the concrete by 3 of the guys, the other 2 stood and watched  in utter amazement. I drunkenly dashed into action. I sprinted across the street with my plan strategically mapped out. I would blind side the biggest one with an epic hay maker . I would proceed to sweep the next guys knee a la Dalton from "Road House"  and finally I would rear naked choke the smallest of the three.  Perfect plan right? As I approached the side walk not 5 feet from the fight, I tripped on the curb and drunkenly crashed into a trash can and went face first to the pavement. I lay on the pavement , trying to use the last of my ability to ya know stand up. It was not about saving that guys life anymore it was about self preservation. I figured any of local authorities would have hauled me off to prison if the had witnessed my drunken antics. Luckily my friends came over in a hurry and peeled me off the street.

My next memory is of me on top of a girl pumping away trying my best to satisfy her whilst not throwing up all over the place. We literally went at it for hours, my ability to maintain an erection that long without the use of any drugs still baffles me to this day. I never finished. But she happened to be a nurse and she took pity on me and gave me an IV between the dry heaving and cold sweats. She was a sweet girl.

The next day I went back to Clarksville TN and literally spent most of the day in the fetal position. I was so hung over it was amazing. I had to postpone my road trip for another day until I felt well enough to drive. That truly was an amazing St. Patrick's Day...... Apparently

Monday, May 30, 2011

St. Patricks Day 2011

Part 1
March 17th , 2011

I am kicking myself for not writing this story immediately after it happened.  My memory is very fuzzy of the events that occurred that night. I have lost  prospective female friends (booty calls) as a result  of the Facebook posts I made that evening in my drunken stupor. Here's the story.

I was in the process of moving from Fort Bragg North Carolina to Fort Carson Colorado. Prior to my leaving Bragg, I called some female friends of mine that lived in Nashville Tennessee. We made plans to meet up on St. Patricks day in Nashville. Also the Boston Bruins were coincidentally going to be playing the Nashville Predators that night. I am from Boston and although I detest hockey, I love any event that I can act like a drunk retard and get away with it. A bunch of drunk obnoxious Bostonians in a different city acting like dickheads, I knew this night would end in bloodshed and or prison.

The drive to Nashville from Fort Bragg was very uneventful. It was 500 mile of mountains and fucked up reception on the radio. On the way I realized that I didn't have a place to stay that night. I couldn't stay with my friends because they lived 70 passed Nashville, and I found it pointless to drive through Nashville and drive back in the morning. So I did what I always do. Searched my phone (with no hands on the wheel) for the cheapest flea bag motel I could find. And boy did I ever find it. Econo lodge downtown Nashville 32 dollars for the night. I should've known from the multiple surveillance cameras that I was in for a shit storm. When I entered my room the smell of cigarette smoke hit me like a punch in the face (even though I specifically asked for a non smoking room ). The comforter had multiple cigarette burns in it and it smelled like a hobo's ass. When I walked to the window to draw the shades I noticed  three shady gentleman standing not 100 feet away from my car in the parking. Not to sound like a dick but I drive a Mercedes Benz which stood out amongst the late 80's to 90's Toyota corollas in the parking lot. This was concerning to me. Not because of forth coming violence but because I happen to like my car. I'm a highly trained Special Forces soldier, I would have no problem gunning down three gang bangers if it were necessary. The streets would be safer without them , but I digress.  I intentionally walked out of my room and walked to my car. With them onlooking I took my Glock 22 out of my glove compartment loaded a magazine and chambered a round. I returned to my room. After the three S's , I laid in the rats nest that was my bed and immediately started scratching. Now I don't know much about bed bugs , but it freaked me the fuck out. So I ended up spending a sleepless night on a chair with my legs perched up on the table, still ever vigilant and aware of the 3 crackheads in the parking the lot.

I ended up meeting my friends at their hotel room the next morning around noon We were decked out in green and drinking four loko's like they were about to be discontinued ( oh wait they are ).  We hit our first bar around 1pm. People were staring at us the entire time. I'm assuming it was because of all of the green shit we were wearing.  I just stared back at them with contempt. They were weird for not wearing green I mean it was St. Patricks day. Around 2pm I was already eight 7&7's deep. My friends we'll call them Peaches and Reggie grew up with me and despite not having spent much time with me in the last 8 years , they knew that a disaster was forth coming if I didn't slow the flow of alcohol down my gullet (run on sentence FML). But they know I can hold my own and I'm not afraid of a prison fight.

We spent the next few hours bar hopping and listening to the various country bands that were playing pretty  much everywhere. I do have to say that these bands were all pretty amazing. It's no bullshit when they say the best country music comes from Nashville. All the while I fell into a whiskey soaked haze. Around 7pm my friends and I decided to walk across the street to the Bruins game. We didn't have tickets , so I loudly announced to no one in particular that I would handle the buying of the tickets. Seeing how drunk I was my friends looked on, fully expecting me to receive a fist to the head instead of tickets. We needed 9 tickets and I low balled the shit out of the filthy scalpers on the streets. They all turned me down and one even threatened to fight me.

Me: Fuck you motherfucker! Ill smash ya over your head with your house.

I said that and pointed at a trash can.  My friends were laughing hysterically not because it was a funny a joke, but because I was so shitfaced, I was trying to lift the can and because it was an awful joke. They whisked me away when an officer of the law took notice. We entered the packed stadium and Reggie immediately almost got into a fight with a girl and her boyfriend. I'm not known for being diplomatic , so I took it upon myself to intervene. I was a little more tactful this time around.  He weighed 350 pounds and was not in the best of cardiovascular shape. I weigh 225 and I'm very good shape. Whether I can fight when my BAC is pushing .30 is completely justifiable to question , but he didn't know that. I placed my hand on his shoulder turn him around.

Me: Dude, back the fuck off before I stomp your fat ass in front of your girlfriend.

He did what every guy does. He backed away without saying anything and started talking shit when he was a safe distance from me. Luckily for him , I have the memory of a goldfish when I drink , so he was a distant memory and there were more good times to be had. We ended up sitting in the nose bleed section. But I didn't care, it was more about heckling the Nashville fans than anything. Also we were located not far from the beer cart. I was double fisting Miller Lite tall boys for the rest of the night. The Nashville fans sitting around us were actually good sports and the heckling went both ways all in good nature. The Bruins ended up losing 4-3 and I completely blacked out as a result of 6 tall boys. Part 2 is coming soon , all of which I had to piece together from my friends account of what transpired that night. It involves fights, alcohol , sex  and IV's. It sounded like the best night of my life... Im pissed I can't remember it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

5 Things That Piss Me Off about Air Travel

January 22, 2011

From the title of this post most of you are going to say " 5 Things? I can think of 100 motherfucking things that piss me off about air travel" and I understand , If I were to write about every little thing that pissed me off about air travel then I'd have me a novel that would rival most classic novels.

Most things tend to piss me off anyway so I'm not sure if it's my own delusional negative attitude, so if anyone disagrees I do apologize. So here are the 5 Things I hate about air travel:

1.) Assholes that stand by the gate 30-40 minutes before boarding. I really don't understand this. They all resemble George Clooney from the movie "Up in the Air" so I can only assume they are weary business men that have "perfected" the art of travel. I tried to decipher the reason for this bizarre behavior but have come up short with a reasonable answer. When you board a plane you have seating assignments and boarding groups that generally go in sequence from 1-5. so if a person is going to be seated last why the fuck is standing at the gate, why not relax and have a seat? I don't know, am I the only person that has noticed this?

2.) The look on first class passengers face as you walk by. There are 3 things that first class passengers do as you pass by going to the Poh section of the plane. 1.) They stare at you with utter contempt. "How dare you breathe my air, this is rich people air, now hurry on to the rear of the plane". 2.) They give you the "I'm sorry I'm richer and better than you" look. They briefly make eye contact with you sort of shrug their shoulder as if to say  "Sorry dude , now head to the back and row with the other slaves" 3.) They bury their heads in a crossword puzzle or their Blackberry ad refuse to acknowledge anyones existence.

3.) How slow people are exiting the plane. If it takes you longer than 5 seconds to remove your luggage from the over head compartment then you suck at life. It takes people a fucking life time to get their shit and leave the plane, it never fails to amaze me how unprepared people are. If you're one of those people that ties their shoe in the aisle , then takes their sweet ass time putting on their jacket and getting their luggage  then FUCK YOU... Everyone hates you and wishes there were restrictions against people like you flying on commercial airliners. NOTE: Old people are exempt from this rule because they cannot physically move fast enough , they are not inconsiderate asshole like those other people. 

                                                       Need I say more, traveling sucks!

4.) People that talk to me on planes. Holy shit, I think I attract Chatty Kathy's and Gabby Joe's. When I travel I always bring an IPod and a book with me. I do this because I hate talking to strangers about their lives. It also acts as a deterrent to anyone wanting to strike up a conversation with me. But every now and again you'll find someone so starved for human contact that they'll completely ignore the fact that I want a nice relaxing flight and they'll talk my fucking ears off. Fuck you too... Assholes.

5.) Military personnel flying first class. I know this one will raise a lot of eyebrows and probably piss people off. Okay,  95% of the military personnel you see at the airport wearing their uniform have no business wearing their uniform at the airport. They do it to seek praise, to get free shit and to gain access to First class seating. When I left basic training I wore my ACU's ( Army combat uniform) to the airport because I was retarded and didn't know any better. I refused first class seating and anything that was offered to me. I'm not self righteous , I just felt uncomfortable receiving gifts for doing my job.  Recently I was on a plane and saw a Lieutenant Colonel flying with his ACU's on , a passenger in First class offered him his seat and this guy accepted. I was pissed off to say the least. A Lieutenant Colonel with over 15 years in the Army makes well over 110,000 a year, that D Bag can buy a first class ticket if he wants to fly in that fashion. NOTE: Some military personnel are required to travel with their uniform on, so they are an obvious exception, but the rest are assholes.

Does this shit piss anyone else off? If anyone can add to the shit list please I'd love to hear about it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Sorry for my absence

December 20, 2010

I haven't posted anything lately because I've been with family in Colorado for the last week or so. Tomorrow, however, I will be going to Las Vegas for 3 days and 3 nights. From Denver, my ticket with 3 nights at the Excalibur hotel was 217 dollars. I had to jump on that. So I'm sure there will be more stories to come. Also my first night in Colorado due to the elevation and complete utter disregard for my own well being polished off 7 bottles of Cooks Champagne... Mimosas are considered somewhat of a girlie drink , but I have weak spot for them . I spent 12 hours on the toilet throwing my lungs up into the porcelain. My family, was understanding of the whole situation..... I think. I hope everyone has a great Xmas and New Years and even though I wont be posting I'll still be reading. Take care guys and gals.

Friday, December 10, 2010

My Online Dating Profile

December 10, 2010

A friend of mine has been on a website called Ok Cupid for quite some time. Now Ok Cupid is a free dating website set up for those of us too cheap and too lazy to meet people the old fashioned way. Now I'm not knocking online dating as Ive heard its worked for many people in the past. But I decided since it's always been easy for me to meet girls that I should set up a profile with some rather odd content and see what kind of emails I received. Here is my online dating profile

26/ Male/ Straight/ Single
North Carolina

My Self Summary: Hey Ladies! My name is Mike and I'm in the Army and I'm awesome. I will be honest I don't want a relationship with anyone , I AM ON THIS SITE TO HAVE SEX WITH AS MANY GIRLS AS I CAN!!! See I told you I was awesome. Here are a few things you should know about me. I have an "irregular" penis. By irregular I mean its kind of shaped like a banana. But it works... Well it worked the last time I had sex. I usually blow my load really fast. When I yell "STOP" in bed I mean it bitch! If you don't stop then I'm going to paint your stupid face like a Jackson Pollock.  While we're having sex I will be flexing in the mirror "Patrick Batemen" style in hopes that my own self image will turn me on enough to get me to eventually reach climax.

Post coitus I will lay in the fetal position and suck my thumb like an infant. DO NOT touch me during my reflection time, if you do you will get 5 across the eyes. I will demand that when you're not in bed pleasuring me that you remain in the kitchen cooking things. I may not even be hungry but you will be required to cook my lunches for the entire week. After you're done cooking you will be asked to leave. Any back talk or lip will be dealt with mercilessly and swiftly ie. a black eye. 

What I'm doing with my Life: Trying to have sex with as many women as possible and you could be one of them if you "Act Right". Other than that I'm trying to set the Guiness Book of World Records record for "Most Masturbations in 24 hours".

I'm Really Good At: Sex , Breaking things n' stuff, Lighting things on fire n' junk, drinking alcohol, masturbating, putting things in oil drums, burying things with quick lime.

The First Thing People Notice about me is: My huge banana cock, my bloody knuckles and my smile.

My Favorite Books are: Anything written about Ted Bundy, Jefferey Dahmer, Richard Kuklinski, John Wayne Gacy, Richard Ramirez and Nicholas Sparks Books.

Six Things I couldn't Live without: 1.) Sex 2.) Piano Wire 3.) Quick Lime 4.) Lubricant 5.) My Delorean 6.) My IPhone

On a typical Friday night I am: Beating up drifters, strippers and hookers. Otherwise you can find me behind "China King" restaurant shooting dice with the bus boys.

I am Looking for :
Girls between the ages of 18-19 years old.
Who are single ( or not I dont give a shit)
Who want to have unprotected sex on the first date with a stranger.
Who have more than just a picture of your face. We all know that you're fat if you only post a picture of your face

All I can say is holy shit! I thought that I would be getting hate mail of epic proportions. Ive received mixed messages. Some girls decided to pick out the normal things that I strategically placed in there. One girl said "Haha I can't live without my IPhone either LOL". Are you serious? The thing immediately following that says I like to beat up hookers and strippers! Another girl commented on the fact that she loved Nicholas Sparks books most notably "Dear John". I'm in awe. Ive received more positive emails based of my profile than I have negative emails. It would be funny if they could see through the shenanigans and realize it's a joke. But some girls I think really want to come to my place get used and leave with a black eye. All I can say is that Online dating is awesome..... UPDATE: This is a joke. I would never date anyone that would respond positively to that profile. I was just curious to see who would respond and what they would say.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The REAL Slapsgiving and my MMA Fighter

Thanksgiving 2009

I wish I could say that I had an amazing Thanksgiving day story for 2010 , but I ended up eating a Hungry Man dinner and watching the New England Patriots rape the Detroit Lions. Thanksgiving 2009 was far more interesting. In 2009 my friends and I were obsessed with the popular TV show "How I Met your Mother". In the show two of the main characters have a feud going where one can slap the other in the face at any given time. He chooses to deliver the slap on Thanksgiving. He calls it "Slapsgiving". The story forthcoming is about a trip my friend Pasta and I made up to DC to visit my friend LL (from the "Evacuate the Dancefloor story") for Thanksgiving. Or as I would later call it Slapsgiving.

Pasta and I packed up his SUV and prepared for the 4-5 hour drive to DC. We made a stop at the on base grocery store. We did this primarily because the food and alcohol are a lot cheaper there and they have everything. Pasta browsed the aisles and ended up picking up a liter of vodka and a liter of rum. I picked up 2 bottles of champagne (for mimosas) and a bottle of Everclear. I was absolutely enamored with Everclear. Where I come from Everclear is illegal because of its high alcohol content. It's 190 proof. I was very excited by my purchase and was super excited to lay it on my friends when I arrived in DC.

This Thanksgiving was going to be awesome because I was going to be spending it with LL, Pasta, The YAK brothers , Zak and Ed. I grew up with LL, Zak and Ed. So I was focused on making it special (insert the Everclear).

We arrived in DC around 10pm the night before Thanksgiving. LL had already prepared everything for the next day so there was no work to done on my part which was great. I entered the room holding the bottle of Everclear behind my back like a father trying to surprise his child.

Me: I've got a surprise for youuuuu....

I revealed the bottle, fist pumping it  over my head , brandishing it like it was the Holy Grail. I expected the room to erupt in cheers..... But there was nothing but silence. I swear a tumble weed skipped across the room, I could hear a cricket lightly chirping in the distance.

LL:Wha.... What the fuck is that? Is that Everclear?.... I'm not drinking that shit.

Ed: Yeah that shit is gross dude.

Me: You guys are pussies.... Fine if that's the way you're going to be then I'll have to drink this entire thing myself. Fuck you guys!

I decided that I would try and do everything in my power to RUIN Thanksgiving for everyone.I figured it wouldn't be too hard considering I had an entire liter of Everclear all to myself and relatively short time to consume all of it.  I spent the rest of the night sitting on the couch drinking Everclear and mercilessly ranking on my friends for the their choice of alcohol.

Me: Hey uh LL... Whatcha got there? A little bud light? Faaaagggg!

The drunker I got the more flagrant my abuse became.

Me: Hey uh Ed.... Whatcha got there? Whiskey? You're the biggest pussy I've ever met , Nana Bessy (my sweet grandmother) puts whiskey in her coffee!!! Douche! ( of course my grandmother doesnt drink whiskey).

The night continued like this until I passed out on the couch. I awoke the next morning hoping that I had put some sort of dent in the volume of liquor that was in the bottle. To be completely honest I hated the taste of Everclear. The taste is comparable to rubbing alcohol. I was certain that I drank at least half the bottle because I was shitfaced the night prior. But to my dismay there was at least 75% remaining. I was deflated but not beaten. I immediately poured myself an Everclear and sprite and went to work.

Around noon LL began bringing out a rather impressive spread of food. A turkey, a ham, mashed potatoes, yams, stuffing, cranberries all coupled with delicious gravy. I'll give him credit, he did an incredible job at preparing this meal... This prompted me to get dressed because I was still in my underwear and an old T-shirt. It became apparent to everyone that the Everclear might be getting the best of me. I PILED food onto my plate disregarding all dinner time etiquette. I carried the bottle of Everclear under my arm as if it were my baby blanket. Knowing good and well that I was shitfaced beyond belief Pasta decided to test my boundaries.

Pasta: Hey dude, the Cowboys are playing the Raiders, I'll slap bet you for it.... I'll take the Cowboys to win.

Me: No fucking way. The Cardinals will definitely win.

Pasta: Yes the COWBOYS will probably win. But I'll give you 10 to 1 odds. If you win you can slap me 10 times and if I win I get only one measly slap. Come on , what to do say?

Me: Deal.

We finished dinner and decided to lay around and watch football. And of course the Cowboys won. I knew I was in for it now. Pasta is 5'8'' 220 pounds and pretty built. This was scary because I knew he'd show little mercy.

Pasta: You're fucked now!

Me: Ahh fuck , whatever you hit like a little girl anyway! Lay it on me.

Pasta: No way I'm going to nail you when you least expect it.

I knew I was fucked and that I would be looking over my shoulder Don Corleone style until I received my slap. But I pushed it into the back of mind and continued with my drunken behavior. We decided the best course of action would be to hit the bars in Georgetown. At this point my friends were more interested to see what I was going to do rather than having a good time. I was happy to oblige with some rather uncouth behavior. I drank and drank and drank and everyone watched and waited. I was actually on relatively good behavior , so Pasta decided to mix things up a bit. I was standing by a huge mirror that covered a 10 foot by 10 foot area. I was speaking about gods knows what but definitely on my soap box.

Me: So I says to Mable I says.....

The next thing I know my knees were buckling as I crashed into the mirror. Pasta had laid a slap on me of epic proportions. He was right and I didn't see it coming. My head connected with the mirror creating an enormous jagged crack down the center. I immediately started rubbing my jaw like someone exiting the dentist. Pasta grabbed me.

Pasta: We need to go NOW!

Apparently a waitress had seen the slap, thought it was fight and alerted the bar staff. Of course being drunk as fuck and in a rush I left my tab open and my credit card at the bar. Fuck my life.... We later ended up at the Capitol Lounge. As I previously stated the Cap lounge is small and somewhat boring. But the bar staff is cool and never seems to have a problem with our drunken shenanigans. This is where I saw my MMA fighter. She was drinking whiskey neat and she wasn't ugly. My friend LL began telling me that she was in fact an MMA fghter that trains at the gym where he takes Krav Maga classes. He told me 2 things about her. #1 he's seen her knock out a few guys before and #2 she was missing a tooth.  Now you think the missing tooth may deterred me but I was somewhat smitten at this point. I always wanted to sleep with a women that could beat the shit out of me, I don't know why. I engaged her in conversation and told her of my military affiliation and that I was quite the fighter myself. She reciprocated with stories of the women and men she's bested in the ring. I knew at this point that coitus was not far off.

This is what she looked like when I was drunk, ya know sans tooth..... Pictured here is MMA fighter Gina Carano

We arrived at her apartment, which for some reason looked like Dick Tracy's office. It was old and everything in it looked like remnants from the "Roaring 20's". Coincidentally her liquor cabinet was similar. It was jam packed with old mason jars full of moonshine that her parents sent her from Kentucky. As much as I like booze , drinking something mixed in someones bath tub is way over the line for me. I deferred from drinking that rot gut garbage and watched as she took shots of it with impunity. We eventually went to her bedroom where we had angry violent sex. I'm cringing as I write this. Having to return to that night in my head is enough to send me to therapy. The one thing I remember above all is her clammy skin. It was sweltering in her room and for some reason her skin was cold and clammy. Anyway I awoke the next morning and hauled ass out of there. We exchanged numbers and she to this day texts me about all of the exciting things she's doing  (insert yawn)...... I never respond. Every now and again when I visit DC I see her at the Cap lounge and I have to sneak out before she sees me otherwise I may be engaged in some sort of physical confrontation.

This is similar to what I woke up next to.... Bone chilling isnt it?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

MREs My Poo and A Frisky Doctor

November 27th 2010

The military has an acronym for EVERYTHING..... It's fucking annoying sometimes I just want people to stop being lazy and stop shortening every word, it's like little kids internet talk LOL, LMAO, TTYL you get the idea. Anyway the acronym MRE is actually one I happen to agree with. MRE stands for Meal Ready to Eat. I'd rather say "Hey man pass me an MRE" than " Hey man pass me a Meal Ready to Eat.
The MRE's US troops eat today.

MRE's are prepackaged meals troops eat when they can't make it to a chow hall (cafeteria). They have a wide variety from Buffalo Chicken to Meatloaf. They also have a variety of different side meals from mashed potatoes to M&M's. They are actually pretty good.

The only problem with MRE's is that they are jam packed with preservatives. This is great for the longevity of the meal but bad when it comes to digestion. The thing I dread the most when I'm in the field is taking a shit after eating an MRE. I know everyone is laughing and you probably think I'm joking, but I couldn't be more serious. It's like shitting a bowling ball. Honestly it makes respect pornstars and any woman that can stand having anal sex.

A few years ago I had just returned from a long training exercise. We ate nothing but MRE's the entire time. Afterward I had to get a physical in order to attend Airborne school. The doctor, took my blood pressure, asked me all of the compulsory questions etc.

Doc: Alright Specialist Mike, now I'm going to need you to drop your pants and turn around.

Me: Umm.... Seriously?

I had no choice. It was either take the "Finger" or get dropped from Airborne school.  I reluctantly dropped my pants. The doctor took out an industrial size bottle of lubricant. I contemplated asking him where I could pick up such a large bottle, but ultimately I decided to keep my mouth shut and accept my fate. The sound of the lubricant squishing out of the bottle onto his finger was enough to make me gag. I took a deep breath and braced myself for insertion. When the Doc slid his finger in my bum my entire body tensed up. I was white knuckling the table, my fingers digging into the nylon padding.

Before I knew it , it was over. There was an awkward silence. The doctor began writing on his evaluation sheet.

Doc: Alright Specialist Mike, everything seems to be in order. You have some blood in your stool , but that's okay.

Are you fucking serious? Where I'm from blood in your shit is usually a problem. But I'm not a doctor or anything. He went on to explain that if you eat nothing but MRE's for a long time then it's not unusual to have blood in your poo. I was flabbergasted. But that's the price you pay for survival I guess.

The shit my grandfather ate during WWII, they were called C-Rations

Friday, November 26, 2010

Las Vegas Part 3: The Conclusion

May 28th- May 31st , 2010

I was awoke the next morning with a horrific pain in my lower back. I was in my hotel room sleeping in a wooden chair. I had a perfectly good bed and a chair with padding and my drunk ass chose the wooden chair. I'll never understand the shit I do when I'm drunk. After stretching out Denise Austin style, I called Jamie. We made plans to meet at the pool again.

Before reaching the pool I stopped at the bar and picked up mojitos for Jamie and I. Usually I drink nothing but beer and bourbon but on vacations I choose to drink the fruitiest most delicious girly drinks. Why not right? When I got to the pool Jamie was sitting with JayBird and JayBirds Wife. They were already drinking. Now I had 2 drinks to myself.... Well,  I thought, don't mind if I do. I pounded one of them and decided to nurse the other. I realized that after only a few minutes that I was shitfaced ... Again.  Looking back on it I think it's safe to say that my BAC never fell below .10. 

Dull and Harpoon arrived around noon. Their entrance was not unlike the pool scene from Caddyshack. They tackled me and Jamie into the pool , spilling our drinks all over the place. I responded to this attack by dragging Dull into the deep end of the pool. Dull can't swim very well and dragging him into the deep end made him squirm like a 5 year old. That's what he gets for fucking with me.

Our drinking became more raucous as the day went on. We were in our final 24 hours and we were going to go out with a bang. People around us began moving to the other side of the pool. This didn't stop Harpoon from hitting on every girl in sight. Dull on the other hand was so shitfaced he passed out on a floating mattress. Instead of doing the friend thing which would be to pick him up and walk him to his room, we began pushing him around the pool using him as a floating battering ram to intrude on other peoples conversations. I did it because I thought it was funny, Harpoon was using it as an excuse to talk to all of the skanky girls in the pool. Here are some conversations Harpoon had with a few girls.

Dumb Blonde: You guys are assholes


Harpoon slapped the drink out of her hand and swam away.

Older Brunette: I think you're friend is kind of hot ( referring to me)

Harpoon: Really? He has herpes, seriously look.

I had a cut on my lip from the fight  a few nights earlier. I will fully admit that it looked like a festering herpes sore.

Harpoon: Hey Mike!

I turned unknowingly. I had big smile on my face with an oozing wound on my lip. The girl looked deflated. She quickly doggy paddled away from Harpoon.

Stupid Blond # 2: I have an 8 ball, want to go to the bathroom?

Harpoon: YES!

That was the last I saw of Harpoon for the rest of the day. As for the rest of us we spent the rest of the day drinking and lounging. I took the opportunity to showcase my Russian skills with a group of Ukranian people that were sitting near us. This was impressive to Jamie because I didn't know how to speak Russian when we dated before. I learned in language school in the Army. I think I could see her nipples get hard as I chatted with them. There are three things that turn Jamie on and that's humor, intelligence and a good body. I was packing all three for this trip.

After roasting by the pool we decided to hit the buffet. I hadn't realized until I sat down to eat that I had only actually eaten 1 meal to this point. When you're in Vegas you really do have to remind yourself to eat especially when you drink and gamble as much as we do.

The buffet was great. Las Vegas buffets are amazing. They have everything from terrific seafood to unbelievable Italian food. I must have eaten 4 whole plates. Once I teased my stomach I couldn't get enough. Afterward Jamie and I returned to my room to change. We had plans to meet my family at "Club Rok" in New York New York. By this time the last few days had now just begun to catch up with me. I was exhausted. Jamie and I took a nap together , snuggling and such.

We arrived at Club Rok around 11pm. I was the walking dead and barely keeping my eyes open. I hung with my family and Jamie for the rest of the night drinking 7 and 7's and doing my white guy dancing. Jamie knew it was time to go when she found me leaning against the wall sleeping. I hugged every member of my family and told them I loved them and that this was one of my favorite vacations. I promptly returned to my room and crashed.

I awoke around 3:30am when I heard something in my bathroom. At first I dismissed this , just thinking that it was Jamie going to the bathroom. But then I rolled over to see Jamie laying next to me. What the fuck? I quickly jumped out of bed looking for a weapon. I didn't have anything with me. So I rolled up a magazine really tight. Not many people know that a magazine rolled really tight is as hard as a rock and makes a great blunt object to swing with. I reluctantly walked into the bathroom to see a sweaty naked bald guy sitting on my toilet.  Holy shit I thought.

Me: You! Get the fuck up and get the fuck out!

Drunk naked bald guy: Wha What?

He said this with an annoyed tone as if I were intruding on him. This enraged me. I walked into the bathroom and swung the magazine at Drunk naked bald guy. It connected on the right side of his temple. This sent the drunk guy off the toilet landing on the cold tile. He screamed in obvious pain. He also grabbed at my legs in a poor attempt to defend himself. I dropped the magazine and dropped my knee onto his spin. I held his head down with my hand. This drunk bastard was not only persistent he was strong. Jamie came walking into the bathroom.

Jamie: Oh my God!

Me: Baby do me a favor and call the front desk, tell them there's a naked drunk guy outside our room.

She ran to the phone. I got off the drunk guy because holding him down wasn't accomplishing anything. As he got to his feet I could see that this fight was far from over. He charged me. I quickly wound up and hit drunk naked bald guy with the hardest right hook I could deliver. He fell to his knees once again. I opened the door and dragged him literally kicking and screaming out of my room. I closed the door and put the dead bolt on. Security came up and subdued the drunk bald guy. They asked me if there was anything they could do. I said no, that it was a small inconvenience and that we just wanted to go back to bed.

My flight was in 3 hours and Jamie and I decided to use this time to lay down together and talk. We talked about all of the good times we had in the past. We talked about the future. I never told her how badly I wanted her back in my life. Knowing all too well that would have pushed her away. I was now certain that I was still fully in love with her. Every minute that ticked off that clock was like a knife stabbing me in the stomach. As lame as it sounds I wanted that night to last forever. I packed up my clothing as she sat on the foot of the bed. Her eyes welling up with tears. We could tell that this weekend had affected both of us more than we thought it would. I wanted more than anything to take her with me. I had been waiting for this weekend for over 2 and a half years and now I had to continue on with my life as if it had never happened. Before I left I told her how much she meant to me and that I wanted to be a bigger part of her life. She smiled at me and said nothing. As I walked out of the room she said

Jamie: I love you... I always will.

I turned and gave her one last kiss.

Me: I love you. I love you more than you'll ever know.

I went to the airport and returned to North Carolina. The entire flight all I could think about was Jamie. What will happen now? Could this ever work? A million questions roaming around my head. I ended up taking it for what it was. An amazing weekend with all of the people I love in this world. I've been all over the world. Mexico, Canada, Prague, Frankfurt, Ireland, England and many other places. But I have to say that this was my favorite trip of all.


A lot of people are inquiring as to the status of Jamie and I... Well I ended up visiting her in AZ  one month later. But that's a whole different story for a different time. I'll post about it later. Hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed living it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Las Vegas Part 2: Saturday

May 28th- May 31st, 2010

I awoke the next morning in my hotel room completely naked and covered in Cheetos. My mouth was so dry I was frantically searching my room for anything non alcoholic to drink. I was still a little drunk so I had no regard for the objects in my room. Lamps, phones, chairs were all in the way of me quenching my thirst. I eventually ran the faucet in the bathroom and lapped up the water with my tongue like a parched bloodhound.

After taking care of my thirst I checked my phone , hoping and praying that Jamie had left me a message. She did.

Jamie Text: Hey I'm so sorry about last night , my phone died , are you okay?

I responded to her apologizing for my behavior and we subsequently made plans to meet at the pool for early morning cocktails. I also sent a mass text to my friends and family asking them to meet me by the pool. When I arrived at the pool Harpoon was already laying in a lounge chair with three empty cups by his side. Once again I'm not sure how he knew I was going to be there because I sure as shit didn't text him. None the less it was a beautiful day out, perfect for drinking mimosas and mojitos by the pool. Jamie arrived with her guy friends and they we're none too pleased with me. Their body language said it all. I approached them and apologized for my behavior the night prior. They were not receptive. I accepted that and decided to drive on and have a good time anyway.

When Jamie took her T-shirt off exposing her amazing body ie. fake boobs I immediately got an erection. I jumped in the pool and started hugging the wall trying to hide aforementioned boner. I have never been able to figure it out but I always get ridiculously sexually aroused when I'm around Jamie. I think it's the emotional connection mixed with the primal raw physical attraction. I decided to be open and casually asked her if she wanted to go up to my room and have sex yet again. She agreed. While collecting our items in preparation to leave the pool the best thing that could have happened actually happened. A very attractive women approached me right in front of Jamie.

Hot girl: Hey , come to bungalow #5 , we have free drinks for you.

Me: Uhh thanks.

As she walked away she slid her hand over my stomach. Why was this the best situation ever? This hot girl just challenged Jamie to the rights for my penis. Jamie stood there in awe. To be completely honest I was frozen as well, other than the occasional street walker Ive never had a women approach me with such blunt candor. Jamie immediately grabbed my hand and whisked me upstairs for the best sex we've had to date. Afterward we returned to the pool to meet up with my friends and family. JayBird and his wife decided to join us this time as well. We drank mojitos all day in the sun and had a great time. JayBird's wife talked to Jamie all day. They were friends prior to our break up 2 years before , But I got JayBird and his Wife in the breakup settlement (insert smiley face). They hadn't spoken in a while but they fell back into their old friendship with little effort. Everyone was amicable , it was nice to see. The only one that excluded themselves was Harpoon , who lay on a patio chair passed out with at least 15 empty cups all around his immediate area.

Before I knew it it was 5pm. Everyone had left the pool a few hours prior to prepare themselves for the wedding reception. When I checked my watch I was so shitfaced I was seeing double.

Me: I need ta get outta here, my brothers weddin.... You sure you don't want to come?

Jamie was just as shitfaced as I was. She regretfully declined. She and her friends had tickets to the UFC fight that night featuring Rampage Jackson and Rashad Evans.  I walked her to her room and then returned to my own room to change for the wedding reception. I showered and threw my suit on. I was a hot mess. I looked like Dan Akroyd in Blue Brothers. When I arrived at the Wedding my inebriation was obvious to everyone but me. I was using a wall to hold me up as my brother and sister in law exchanged vows n' such. Afterward we sat down to the best 1500 dollar dinner that I've ever been too. I had the mushroom ravioli , yum. Everyone at the table was drinking white wine or water. I was drinking whiskey and sprite as fast as they could give them to me. At the conclusion of the dinner I stood up and announced to everyone that I was "Blowing this pop stand and gonna do me some gamblin".

My brothers friends accompanied me to the blackjack table. Before I knew it I was down 400 dollars..... In 20 minutes. I lost something like 10 hands in a row. I was livid to say the least. My brothers friends had to physically pick me up and remove me from the table as I tried to write the dealer a personal check for more chips. If you aren't Vegas savvy, then you should know that a dealer will not accept a check. I immediately composed myself and explained to the guys that I would take out 100 more dollars and that I would be cut off after that. By my count I was down nearly 1,000  dollars from gambling and I had paid nearly 250 for the pool bar tab. This was not good considering the surprise party for my brother was going to run me anywhere from 700-1,000 dollars. You're probably not going to believe this but I went on the lucky streak of a life time. I hit 7 consecutive blacks in a row in roulette. spread out over 45 minutes I made 700 dollars. This immediately calmed nerves and I decided to quit and head to "Mix Lounge" for the party. On our way we saw Harpoon walking through the casino. He was wearing a bathing suit, a nice button designer shirt, sandals and a pair of aviator sunglasses that he apparently had stolen "accidentally". He was also double fisting 2 bottles of Newcastle beer. He was swaying back and forth as he filled us in on his activities of the day. This included a day of drunk shopping, blowing lines of cocaine off a strippers ass and catching the strip clubs day time buffet which is apparently quite good. At this point I was CERTAIN we would not be seeing him later that night. I was wrong.

When we arrived  at Mix Lounge I was expecting something small like a few private tables and a few bottles on top shelf vodka. I have to give them credit because they went above and beyond for us. They gave us prime seating for 30 + people and 6 bottles of Kettle One Vodka plus mixers for 1,000 dollars. In Vegas that is dirt cheap especially for a place of this caliber.

The View from the Balcony of Mix Lounge

The night was great. We drank, danced and smoked cigars like idiots all night. Jamie texted me through out the night giving details on the outcome of the fights. The highlights of the night were when I saw Dull literally so drunk he was hitting on my 57 year old mother and grinding up on her like it was an 8th grade dance. I chose to ignore that because my mother loves dancing and as long as it wasn't with me I was happy. The second best thing was watching Harpoon attempting to get into the club. I looked over at the door to see Harpoon pointing in the face of two 300 + pound bouncers. I ran over immediately to diffuse the situation. I slipped the bouncers 50 dollars each and ensured them that I would take responsibility for him. He looked like shit. His suit looked like something Archie Bunker would wear to church. His tie was undone and his hair was all disheveled. But I did what I always found was best to do with Harpoon and that was leave him to his own devices.

I wish I could tell you that one of us ended up in jail or in a three way with 2 pornstars. But the nights ending was very anti-climatic. We all went our separate ways around 4am. I shot Jamie a text and told her that I hoped she had a great night and that I would see her in the morning. I also ended the night with my usual ritual of throwing a huge amount of money down on roulette. I approached an empty table

Me: 300 on black please.... Come on Roy!!!

I started screaming as the ball went around the wheel. I'm not even sure the dealers name was Roy.  The little white ball danced around back and forth as it always does and landed on BLACK!


I collected my winnings and returned to my room where I stripped naked and passed out at approximately 4:50am..... Next will be Part 3 and the conclusion to my trip to Las Vegas.
The Cabana that temptress tried to lure me into. Also you'll notice Mandalay Bay in the background. All of the black windows near the roof are in fact Mix Lounge.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Las Vegas Part 1 : Friday

May 28th - May 31st 2010

Warning: This is a long story. But it's funny and you'll finally see a softer side of me . I think.

My friends and I had just completed what was most definitely the longest most difficult training the US Army had to offer. Needless to say we were looking to blow off some steam. We had spent a few weekends in Myrtle Beach but it was starting to wear on us. I was almost duped into hooking up with two married women, which royally pissed me off. Yeah I like random hook ups but it pisses me off when I see a married women trying to pick up some young strange. Anyway during the aforementioned trips down to Myrtle Beach I spent nearly the entire time trying to convince my buddies to join me in Las Vegas for Memorial Day weekend. I had visited Vegas a number of times but this trip in particular was of the utmost importance to me for 2 reasons. Reason # 1 : My older brother was a having somewhat of a wedding reception out there for my family and his wife's family ( We're classy what can I say).
So this was the first time in a long time that I was going to get a chance to see my sister in law and my entire family.  Reason # 2: Jamie was going to be there.

I've never mentioned Jamie before because it's a really sore subject with me. She's quite definitely the only girl I've ever been in love with . She is proof that there is something other than black sludge pumping through my veins. Jamie and I had broken up 2 years prior to this and it was not on good terms. We both quite literally went our separate ways. She moved to Arizona to be with her new boyfriend and I went into the Army. We talked every now and again, but it became abundantly clear to me that she would only get in touch with me when she was having issues with her boyfriend.  I received a text from her in early April inquiring as to what I was doing for Memorial Day weekend. I informed her of my upcoming plans. Coincidentally she was going to be in Vegas at the same time as me. Not only that she was staying at the same hotel as me AND she had broken up with her boyfriend a few months before.

I immediately jumped into action. By action, I mean I went running and spent 2-3 hours a day in the gym. I was determined to make her salivate when she saw me. I can openly admit that she's the only girl out there that I've actually cared what I looked like when I was around her. Also there is an obvious winner and loser when it comes to break ups and SHE was going to be the loser.

Memorial Day weekend approached rapidly and I was fully prepared to see Jamie and my family. I had three of my best friends with me Pasta, Dull and Harpoon. I had saved 1500 dollars for gambling and 1000 for food and drinks. But most of my drinking money was going into a surprise party I was throwing for my brother and my sister in law at "Mix Lounge" on top of Mandalay Bay. I had a friend that arranged bottle service for us with seating for 30.

The flight to Las Vegas was uneventful. My oldest friend from Los Angeles JayBird picked my friends and I up at the airport. When we arrived at the Excalibur Hotel and Casino we all went our separate ways. They went to their rooms and I went to see Jamie. She was staying with her friends so I thought we would say hello and give each other obligatory compliments and go our separate ways. Boy was I wrong. When we saw each other we clicked. We fell right back into Jamie and Mike mode.  We began taking shots of Jager ( yeah I know insert Jersey Shore jokes) and talking about old times. Her friends began making plans for the evening so I took that as a hint to leave.

Me: I'm going to get going.

Jamie: Ya know, I'm not locked down here, they want to gamble all night I can totally hang with you.

I should have ran for my life. But I was in love with her.

Me: Yeah let's go.

We exited and went to the roulette tables to meet up with Dull and Pasta. On our way we picked up two bottles of cheap champagne and we began to drink heavily. By the time we reached the table my bottle was gone and Jamie was nearly finished with hers. Pasta and Dull were losing and they were pissed off.

Pasta: Fuck, dude, I'm down like 250.

Me: Dull, how are you doing?

Dull: About the same.

My champagne addled brain thought that THIS was a good sign and that putting 300 on black would be a profitable move.

Me: You fucking pussies, watch this.

I dropped three 100 dollar chips on black. I turned and pointed to Jamie.

Me: Oh yeah, hey guys this is Jamie.

They all shook hands and Jamie did a fine job at composing herself even though she was three shots and a bottle of hooch deep. That didn't interest me though. My eyes were fixated on the little white ball as it teased me. It rattled around for a few seconds going from red to black. It finally found its rightful home on motherfucking RED! I felt like flipping the roulette table and back handing the smug dealer, but I kept my composure and acted like losing 300 dollars in 3 seconds was a normal thing for me. Harpoon approached from behind.

Harpoon: You are so bad at this.

Me: Fuck you.

Harpoon turned to Jamie and shook her hand.

Harpoon: Hey I'm Harpoon and I just fucked a prostitute.

Jamie: Ummm.

Jamie latched onto my arm. Everyone stood silent expecting him to laugh and say he was kidding. But he wasn't

Me: What do you mean you fucked a prostitute?

Harpoon: I was in my room and I called a prostitute, she came over and we had sex, it was the best 200 dollars I've ever spent.

Harpoon is a sociopath that uses others for his enjoyment, so this wasn't unbelievable even for his standards. Jamie spent the next hour inquiring about why he would get a prostitute and the logistics of it all. She couldn't believe that one of my friends would do such a thing. I spent that same hour trying to break even. I ended up leaving the table up 100 dollars. Isn't Vegas great? On our way to the cashier Harpoon came barreling by us. We could see him standing at the cashiers cage.

Me: What the fuck is he doing? He didn't even gamble, did he?

Jamie: No he was talking to me the whole time.

Harpoon walked over to us with an enormous grin on his face and a stack of 100 dollar bills in his hand.

Me: What, did you take out a second mortgage on your house?

Harpoon: I just hit for 2,000 dollars on a slot machine!! Fuck you guys, I'm going to Vegas! Oh wait HAHA

Harpoon literally ran off laughing. I was certain that , that was the last time I was ever going to see him again. Jamie and I decided to return to my room to continue drinking. When we got to my room she sat me down and she talked to me about why she made the choices she did. Why she left me for another guy etc. She said she regretted it and wished she could have me back in her life. We subsequently had the best sex ever. We fell asleep. After napping we had sex again and prepared to meet my friends and family at the "Circus Bar".  She called her friends and they agreed to meet us there as well.

We arrived at the Circus Bar and began taking shots with Jamie's friends. After 4 shots I realized that I was shit faced. Jamie was too , she looked like Tara Reid after a two week bender. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Harpoon drinking and dancing with some skank. To this day I don't know how he found us there because I sure as shit didn't call him. But I digress. After an hour my family showed up. We began to greet each other with hugs and kisses, when some guy intentionally pushed his way into our group and started dancing like a shit head. I grabbed him and threw him across the dance floor. I'm 6'2'' 210-220 pounds  of muscle. This guy was 5'7 170 pounds soaking wet. I watched him as he crashed to the floor. I kept my eye on him for a few minutes in preparation for any retaliation that was forth coming. But nothing happened. His buddies picked him up and brushed him off. He moved to another side of the bar. I continued my reunion for a few minutes when I felt something hit the lower half of my chin. It was the drunk midget! That little motherfucker took a swing at me when I wasn't looking! My brother (who is also a Green Beret) immediately grabbed said midget and choked him out before anyone including myself knew what was going on. He literally put the midget to sleep in 7 seconds. It was awesome.

The bouncers intervened and we left the bar. Jamie was no where to be found. One of her friends pushed her out of the door once the fight started. Outside of the bar the midget and his buddies who were out manned , began running their mouth because there was about 15 bouncers in between us. Don't you love tough guys? We turned to walk away when we saw Harpoon bull doze through all of the bouncers and nail one of the phony hard asses. He then let the bouncers remove him from the group and we spent the rest of the night gambling. After that nothing note worthy happened. I tried repeatedly to call Jamie but her phone was off. It ate away at me .  On my last bet of the night I had questions that were running through my head. Question #1: Is that the last time I'm ever going to see Jamie? Question # 2: Why the fuck am I putting 500 dollars on black again? I wouldn't find out the answer to Question # 1 until the next day. Question # 2 was answered when the little white ball landed on RED AGAIN!! FUCK. To be continued.....

Friday, November 19, 2010

Evacuate the Dancefloor

October 31, 2010

Being stationed at Fort Bragg is awful. There are few redeeming qualities about living in Fayetteville North Carolina. One good thing however is that Fort Bragg is only a  4 1/2 hour drive from Washington D.C. I love Washington DC. It's a beautiful historical city that has a young exciting night life. If it weren't jammed packed with hippies it would be my favorite U.S city ( Chicago is my #1 if you are curious).  I try to drive up there as often as possible. One of my best friends from high school currently lives and works there. So whenever I go there we drink like pissed off 15 year olds. This story is about the last minute trip I made up there for Halloween.

It was Saturday and I woke up completely unaware that it was Halloween. Its been that kind of year what can I say. I rolled out of bed and saw that my friend LL had called. I promptly returned his call because he never calls unless he has something important to tell me.

LL : Hey fella, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Drinking in my room, what are you doing?

LL: Come up to DC, we're going to an awesome bar in Georgetown....

Before he could finish his sentence I was in the shower and hastily throwing clothing into my backpack. The trip up to DC was uneventful, I went through my normal routine of pounding 2 redbulls and air drumming the instrumentals of  "Take a look at me now" by Phil Collins.  When I arrived it was already early evening and people were beginning there nights out on the town. At this point it STILL hadn't dawned on me that it was Halloween. I guess the constant playing of "Monster Mash" on the radio wasn't hint enough.

We started out the night at this local watering hole called " The Capitol Lounge" . LL grew up with the old adage that if it ain't broke don't fix it. This bar embodies that saying. It's small, everyone knows your name, good prices , absolutely no chance of hooking up with anyone ( except for the time I hooked up with a female MMA fighter but that's a whole other story).  It was at the Cap lounge that I realized it was Halloween. LL had decided to not dress up either so I hadn't realized it was Halloween until I saw a guy dressed like "Kenny Powers" walk by me. We got a good drunk going and decided to hit Georgetown.

We ended up at this bar and I cant for the life of me remember the name . It was a typical college bar that had dancing in the basement. I'm an awful dancer , I do the whole white guy thing and I try not to dance especially if I'm to close to closing the deal with a girl, because on more than one occasion Ive had a girl role her eyes and tell me she was going to be right back ( insert frowny face). Anyway we began to drink quite heavily. Taking shots with every beer we put down.  At this point LL got into kill mode. I started looking for anything warm to put my penis in. I turned into one of the creepy guys that shadows the dance floor looking for vulnerable girls to accost. LL followed behind me using his 215 pound frame to bull people over.  That's when it happened. The Michael Jackson song " Thriller" came on. Now this is the only song that I can dance to. I know all of the choreography.

Me: Oh shit! Dude I know this song... Clear the dance floor!

Now I was just kidding, I of course didn't want everyone to clear the dance floor. But LL used it as an excuse to start throwing 140 pound 22 years olds all of the place. Before I knew it I was in full blown MJ mode. People were cheering as I drunkenly performed the "Thriller" dance. About half way through I started to smell something not so great. I mean this was pungent. It smelled like baby food and rotten eggs. I started to gag. I immediately left the dance floor. How was no one else smelling this? I was frantically checking my shoes to see if I had stepped in shit. Then I saw something that I can emphatically say that I will never see again. First,  LL was throwing up in a fake plastic witches cauldron. Second I saw a guy dressed as a giant oreo cookie with feces running down his legs. This was the origin of the smell. I noticed that everyone else had indeed noticed this and they all left the dance floor. The shitty oreo thought that everyone was enjoying his dancing and thought they were creating a circle around him. Apparently he didn't notice the girls dropping their drinks and running for cover or my friend LL throwing up in a big plastic pot. I took it upon myself to solve this dilemma.

Me: Are you serious dude?

Oreo: What?

Me: You have SHIT running down your legs!! Are you serious right now?

Oreo: What? Oh my god!

Me: Yeah get the fuck out of here. Go potty train. You're a disgrace to oreos! You've ruined me on oreos for the rest of my life!!

The Oreo ducked his head and ran off the dance floor and out of the bar. Everyone mocking him on his way out.

Now I don't want to sound self righteous. Ive had the odd night where Ive completely lost all of my faculties and pissed myself. But shitting yourself is crossing the line. Ive enclosed a photo of myself on one of these such nights. In this picture it was my 22nd Birthday. At the time of this picture I was unconscious and completely black out drunk. I'm quite certain that I had already pissed myself. I think that's why I had a huge body pillow draped over me. My FRIENDS if you can call them that are obviously concerned for my well being.
We both have our shirts off because I had vomited all over myself
and my buddy.
In closing we've all been so drunk that we've done stupid things. But pissing yourself is where I cross the line.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Knife Fights in Kandahar Volume I

November 4, 2006

Not twenty-four hours after I get back in from my last assignment in Kandahar and the colonel's already up my ass about some reconnaissance mission overseas. That's minor league stuff, and he's bringing out his big guns. He said it wouldn't be a big ordeal.

Colonel: Relax, just a standard in and out job , real basic stuff.

I never figured the colonel for a liar.

Colonel: Oh, by the way, your new partner will be meeting you there.

    "Ptthhhh." I spat my stagnant coffee onto his indignant face, beset with the wrinkles and prestige of an Ivy League politician going career military. He's just waiting special ops out until some pederast senator from a red state can take time away from his busy schedule of whoring and budget cuts to pin a star on the starched lapels of the coach whose quarterback throws all the touchdowns.  It's one thing to send me overseas on a baby assignment, but don't insult me by fucking me in the ass with a babysitting job.You may have earned that bird on your lapel but you did NOT earn the right to make me your black ops drill sergeant.

 Colonel: This is a fine young man. This one will be an operator.

He tosses the soldier's dossier across the desk as he wiped drops of tepid coffee off his face.Yeah, yeah. medal of honor this, silver star that. I'd seen it all before. Some young hotshot wants to play Rambo in the real suck. It's fun for him right until his face explodes from some gook Charlie 3 miles away in a tree hutch with his decommissioned Dragunov aimed right where the kid's face used to be. I've gone through more teammates than 5.56 rounds. After a while, you start forgetting their faces.

  Ace: Jesus, Top, he's just a kid. what's he gonna do after our first mission together, drink his first beer from  a sippie cup? Christ.

 Colonel: You're outta line. The only way to get experience is to start somewhere.
 Ace: That kind of thinking gets you nowhere.

 Colonel : Well it got you here.
 Ace: Listen, colonel, I understand it's been a while since you've breathed in the fog of war, but in case you've forgotten, the downside to suicide missions is, everybody dies.

Colonel  :Well, consider this a direct order. And I will not tolerate insubordination

Ace: Well maybe here with your rules and regulations, but let me tell you about a little place called war. There are no rules in war. Only those who follow orders, and those who kill people who follow orders.

Colonel: Spare me the melodrama. The new kid is yours for the teaching.

Ace:  You don't ask a sophomore to the prom unless you want to fuck. This must be a dirty op.

Colonel:  Filthy. And the president is gnawing down my throat on this one.

 Ace: Well tell my commander in chief, if he wants this done his way, he's gonna have to do it my way. But I'm not gonna be your fall guy on this one. This op goes south, you ain't wrapping this one around my neck in a pretty little bow to feed me to some senate subcommittee.

Colonel: Relax, no one's getting thrown to the dogs.

Ace:  Ha. Last time I heard you say that I almost got rabies.

Colonel:  Well toughen up. This isn't some rainbow candyland with chocolate waterfalls.

Ace:  Hell, colonel, you almost make Iraq sound livable.

 Colonel:  Not Iraq, kid, Afghanistan.

Ace: Jesus, Top. Sending me back into that fly-blown hell hole.

Colonel:  You leave a 0600 tomorrow."

Ace:  No Marriot, I suppose.

Colonel:   I wouldn't book you a motel 6.

Ace:  Oh, colonel, you're making me blush.

Colonel: Just remember, sergeant, last time I checked our schoolhouse was graduating top-tier operators by the busload.

 Ace:  Yeah but how many does Uncle Sam send back gift-wrapped in an iron coffin stamped with a half-a-million dollar paycheck?

Colonel:  Don't act like your shoes aren't so hard to fill.

Ace: Speak for yourself colonel. Compared to my shoes yours look like a Ming Dynatsy Chinawoman.

by Kilsauce

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Damn Boy You Got Some Moles!!

August 14, 2008

If you've read " Kilsauce Receives a Penicillin Cumshot" then you undoubtedly know that Kilsauce was having a rough go of it at 30th AG. Immediately following his Penicillin cumshot Kilsauce exited the room reeling and rubbing his ass.

Next up, we had to get haircuts. Now when I envisioned getting haircuts in the army I always pictured the opening scene from " Full Metal Jacket". A line of nondescript barber chairs with scared lower enlisted soldiers having their heads shaved. It's similar to that , but these were civilian barbers that looked like they were born in the potato salad at Golden Corral. Also we had to pay to get our heads shaved....  Yes you read that correctly. They charge you 6 dollars to get your head shaved in Basic training. Isn't Uncle Sam great?

Kilsauce had to get his shaved before me so I stood witness to the massacre that ensued.  I was standing silent watching the masses being relieved of their hair when I heard a gutteral squeal. I turned to see Kilsauce sitting in the chair, holding the armrest with a death grip. His eyes were welling up with tears as the barber went Lizzy Borden on his head. It was a wild scene. The barber was striking down on Kilsauce's head with the clippers like he was churning butter. After 3 horrific outbursts of pain the barber said:

Barber: Whats wrong wit you?

Kilsauce: It hurts sir..... Ahh!

Thats when his scalp started bleeding... Profusley.  Blood and tears came streaming down his face.

Barber: Damn boy you got some moles!!

Apparently if you have moles on your scalp the clippers can catch one of them and you can begin to bleed.  This was not the case. Kilsauce didn't have one mole on his head. The barber and his 3rd grade education couldn't grasp even the simplest of tasks ie. shaving someones head without leaving him looking like a postmortem rape victim.  Being new in the army Kilsauce grabbed his balls and held on for dear life as his head was torn to shreds. Post scalping, Kilsauce ran to the bathroom and rinsed his head off in the sink. The aftermath was not pretty. His scalp looked like Hamburger Helper. Unfortunately this wouldn't be the end to Kilsauce's misery at 30th AG. To be continued...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Assholes Guide to Saving Money

November 2, 2010

I was recently online browsing through Yahoo! news ( okay I was watching porn ; insert blushing face).
I came across this ridiculous article on innovative ways to save money while "improving" your quality of life. First off if I'm ever on a budget my life is in no way improving. I'm actually quite bored and lethargic. This is primarily because I'm not out spending money and having fun. This article suggests  6 "Extreme" saving tips.  Three of the six aren't so bad. Lets be honest everyone's had times in there life where they've been strapped for cash and couldn't indulge in the finer things in life. But I'm not delusional enough to follow this ridiculous self help money saving program. Read for yourself:

1.) Give love coupons instead of gifts. As you plan your holiday shopping, consider this: Giving the gift of your time in the form of a coupon to take your mom to a museum, or out for tea, can be far more meaningful than buying her a cashmere sweater. Tim Kasser, professor of psychology at Knox College in western Illinois and father of two young children, encourages his family to give each other coupons for experiences, such as favorite meals or back rubs, rather than purchased gifts. For his sons' birthdays, Tim typically gives them a special day with him, such as a trip to the local water park. Estimated savings: $25 a month or more

2.) Eat before you go to restaurants. Ben, a thirty-something lawyer in Washington, DC, who works for a nonprofit and earns around $52,000 a year, buys a six-pack of bagels and a box of tea each week and skips the coffee shop. He also snacks on peanut butter and banana sandwiches before meeting up with friends at night so he can bypass the pricey entrees at restaurants, opting for cheaper appetizers instead. Estimated savings: $100 a month or more.

3.) Substitute fancy dinners with cheap date nights. Dining by candlelight at the most exclusive restaurant in town might seem romantic, but the bill can put a damper on those loving feelings. Instead, try these ideas, suggested by Alpha Consumer readers: Browse a bookstore. Sketch portraits of each other. Take dance lessons. Have a picnic. Go to a lecture or performance at your local college. Watch a model rocket launch. Estimated savings: $200 a month and up.

I don't know what it is. I mean the suggestions aren't so outlandish , I think it's the alternatives to the act of spending money. After reading that I stared at the screen in disbelief and said " What the fuck" . I dislike hippies but I hate yuppies more. If I ever suggested to the girl I'm currently dating that we give each other love coupons in lieu of a gift she would laugh me out of the room. And rightfully so. If I suggested that we spend a romantic night at home and draw caricatures of each other , she would have every right to kick me in the balls. I don't know about you, but I generally go to a restaurant to eat food when I'm hungry. I don't force feed myself PB and banana sandwiches before I arrive and then awkwardly sit at the table staring at my friends while they eat. 

I think I've made my point. If you agree with me then great, if you don't then you should probably remember the old poker saying " If you can't spot the sucker at the table then it's probably you".  In this case the sucker is you and by sucker I mean you are an asshole.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Knife Fights in Kandahar

October 27th, 2010

Knife fights in Kandahar are a series of short stories my friends and I began writing in basic training. It's a satirical comedic series about a grizzled old school Green Beret. He's typical of what the public views as retired Green Berets. Early 50's, in very good shape, smokes lucky strikes, drinks nothing but wild turkey, commits outlandish acts with no consequences. I think you know where I'm going with this. He begins every story with the date, and the place, which is always Kandahar. He kicks ass, kills ALOT of people, smacks his superiors around and does anything and everything you've seen Green Beret's do in movies and completely get away with it.

I decided to post this almost as a disclaimer to anyone willing to read the garbage I'm posting on this site. "Knife Fights in Kandahar" are FICTIONAL stories my friends and I made up. I'll be posting them in the near future. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I like writing them.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Laptops in Starbucks : Fucking up my day

October 25, 2010

Every now and again I go to Starbucks to grab a sandwich and a coffee for lunch. Finding an open seat in Starbucks is like finding an open chair in a free blowjob contest sponsored by Victoria Secret. It doesn't happen. Why do you think that is? It's because of the D-bags that sit in Starbucks all day typing away on their laptops and consuming all of the free air their uppity lungs can get their hands on. Still don't know who I'm talking about , allow me to paint you a picture:

This person has no muscle tone. This is due to a lack of activity and a vegan , gluten free diet. This person wears wire frame glasses. This person enjoys a good pair of slacks with a like colored shirt. If this person wears jeans they are purchased at the Gap or Banana Republic. They are straight leg, slim fit. No boot cut jeans for this person. This person is always carrying a backpack with a half full Nalgene bottle in the outer pocket. If this person is not carrying a backpack he is carrying his shoulder slung laptop bag. This person has a vague job title most likely a consultant. But we all know he really doesn't do anything and this person contributes nothing to society. If this person is  not a consultant then he's an 8th year 30 + year old college student that is studying philosophy.

I think at this point you have a good idea of who I'm talking about. I think these people need attention. They crave it by showing their cool laptops in public. Their excuse is my roommates are too loud and this is the only place I can concentrate. Your apartment is too loud? Your roommates loud Fiona Apple playlist is distracting you? Well how about a loud coffee shop that is always packed and where you're interrupted by an annoyed barista who wants that table for patrons that are willing to spend more than 2.99. I would gladly pay 100 dollars to anyone willing to take a dump on one of these laptops and close the lid. Oh and you don't have to worry about physical confrontation, these people are almost certainly pacifists.

Mickey Rourke's Hands are Vomit Worthy

October 25th 2010

Before I joined the Army I was an actor. Now I know what you're thinking, this guy is a douche. He's an art house goon that didn't want to get a real job. That I would play a harmonica on 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica for nickels. But I was a working actor , so shut up.

Anyway I booked a commercial once that required the camera to zoom in on one of my hands. Now if I remember correctly the assistant director checked my hands to make sure they were suitable for an on camera shot. My hands are okay I guess and the director deemed them worthy of an on screen appearance. Had they been Mickey Rourke esq. they would have had a "Hand Double" replace my hands. Why do I bring this up?

Recently I watched Iron Man 2. It was a very good movie. Mickey Rourke generally plays characters that are rough around the edges. Wrestlers, Bounty Hunters, genius Russian Scientist that can build self sustaining , renewable energy sources with common household goods. So I understand that his appearance may be undesirable. But that guys hands are objectionable. Seriously, it looks like he dipped his hands in battery acid. I'm in the army and my hands and feet get dirty all of the time. But after they get dirty, I ya know.... wash them! Its pretty simple, a bar of soap and some water will do the trick. Also, every few weeks I cut my nails. I'm not metro sexual by any means , but come on if you're making a few million a movie you can afford 99 cent nail clippers as well as a bar of soap to wash the aforementioned hands and feet. Ill admit I have a serious aversion towards hands and feet. It's one of my many short comings. So please Mickey Rourke wear some gloves and socks, I'll even pay for them.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Kilsauce recieves a penicillin Cumshot

 August 14th, 2008

I like porn…. No no I love porn. But no one loves porn as much as Kilsauce. When Kilsauce interviewed with a very clandestine government agency for a summer internship, he was asked a battery of personal and revealing questions. Questions such as “ Have you ever stolen anything?” to “When was the last time you received a parking ticket?”.  After an excruciating long interview process they follow it up with a polygraph test to make sure you haven’t lied about anything.

Kilsauce racked his huge brain prior to the interview to make sure he wouldn’t be blind sided by any unusual questions. Well, there was one question he wasn’t prepared to answer. It went something like this…

Interviewer: Okay Mr. Kilsauce, Do you watch and or own any pornography?

Kilsauce: Uhhh… yeah…

Interviewer: Okay how often do you watch pornography and how much do you own?

Kilsauce: Uhhhh…. Everyday…. I own a 250GB hard drive..

Interviewer: Oh well how much….

Kilsauce: Yeah it’s full.

They stare at each other blankly and in silence for about 5 seconds as if the interviewer is waiting for the punch line.

Interviewer: I’ve never heard that before, I appreciate your candor.

A very uncomfortable situation, but Kilsauce got the summer internship. In spite of having a great opportunity to work at his dream job he decided that he was too young and needed to experience life so he joined the army to attempt the humbling feat of becoming a Special Forces soldier. But I digress.

How does one receive a penicillin cumshot? Well join the Army and you may find out. When I was at 30th AG I was forced to get a number of shots. Afterward I was left with a sore arm, ass and ego. I was certain that my sleight was wiped clean from every cock smoking whore I had fornicated with in the past. 

Kilsauce really got the short end of the stick. The needle was about 8 inches long and could puncture steel. The private first class that administered his injection wasn't a day over 18 years old. His greasy acne covered face spat forth an uneducated southern twang that made Billy Ray Cyrus sound like Albert Einstein.
Kilsauce stepped behind the curtain and reluctantly dropped his shorts noting the grime under the medics fingernails.

Medic: Don't Wurrie this'll only pinch fur a second....

Kilsauce took a deep breath and braced for a 8 inch beveled needle to enter his ass. The pain shot through his entire body. The needle felt like it was filled with cement rather than antibiotics. Kilsauce began to feel a sense of relief , the worst was over , that's when he felt a slimy liquid creeping down his butt cheeks.

Kilsauce: Ahh..what's going on man?

Medic: Sorry man, I dun broke the needle off in yur ass.. Haha... Hold on I get anuther one.

Kilsauce: WHAT? No fucking way.... Are you retarded? That fucking hurt enough and you didn't even give me the shot... I look like Audrey Bitoni post coitus .

Realizing that this was in fact the United States Army and that he had no choice in the matter regardless of rank. Kilsauce sucked it up and received his penicillin shot.  For the rest of the day he walked around with a crusty white substance covering the ass of his shorts. Kilsauce loved seeing cumshots onscreen, but when it was flipped on its ear and he finally got his come-up-ins as it were, it tramatized him. He claims that he gags everytime he sees a dude let loose on screen now.  As boring as this sounds, this was just the tip of the iceberg when it came the abuse Kilsauce received at 30th AG.

(note: 30th AG is the place where soldiers go to in process into the Army. It is supposed to last 3-5 days, but just like everything in the Army it took three times as long. Your days are essentially filled by standing in never ending lines to receive medical screenings, equipment, ID cards etc.)