Being stationed at Fort Bragg is awful. There are few redeeming qualities about living in Fayetteville North Carolina. One good thing however is that Fort Bragg is only a 4 1/2 hour drive from Washington D.C. I love Washington DC. It's a beautiful historical city that has a young exciting night life. If it weren't jammed packed with hippies it would be my favorite U.S city ( Chicago is my #1 if you are curious). I try to drive up there as often as possible. One of my best friends from high school currently lives and works there. So whenever I go there we drink like pissed off 15 year olds. This story is about the last minute trip I made up there for Halloween.
It was Saturday and I woke up completely unaware that it was Halloween. Its been that kind of year what can I say. I rolled out of bed and saw that my friend LL had called. I promptly returned his call because he never calls unless he has something important to tell me.
LL : Hey fella, what are you doing tonight?
Me: Drinking in my room, what are you doing?
LL: Come up to DC, we're going to an awesome bar in Georgetown....
Before he could finish his sentence I was in the shower and hastily throwing clothing into my backpack. The trip up to DC was uneventful, I went through my normal routine of pounding 2 redbulls and air drumming the instrumentals of "Take a look at me now" by Phil Collins. When I arrived it was already early evening and people were beginning there nights out on the town. At this point it STILL hadn't dawned on me that it was Halloween. I guess the constant playing of "Monster Mash" on the radio wasn't hint enough.
We started out the night at this local watering hole called " The Capitol Lounge" . LL grew up with the old adage that if it ain't broke don't fix it. This bar embodies that saying. It's small, everyone knows your name, good prices , absolutely no chance of hooking up with anyone ( except for the time I hooked up with a female MMA fighter but that's a whole other story). It was at the Cap lounge that I realized it was Halloween. LL had decided to not dress up either so I hadn't realized it was Halloween until I saw a guy dressed like "Kenny Powers" walk by me. We got a good drunk going and decided to hit Georgetown.
We ended up at this bar and I cant for the life of me remember the name . It was a typical college bar that had dancing in the basement. I'm an awful dancer , I do the whole white guy thing and I try not to dance especially if I'm to close to closing the deal with a girl, because on more than one occasion Ive had a girl role her eyes and tell me she was going to be right back ( insert frowny face). Anyway we began to drink quite heavily. Taking shots with every beer we put down. At this point LL got into kill mode. I started looking for anything warm to put my penis in. I turned into one of the creepy guys that shadows the dance floor looking for vulnerable girls to accost. LL followed behind me using his 215 pound frame to bull people over. That's when it happened. The Michael Jackson song " Thriller" came on. Now this is the only song that I can dance to. I know all of the choreography.
Me: Oh shit! Dude I know this song... Clear the dance floor!
Now I was just kidding, I of course didn't want everyone to clear the dance floor. But LL used it as an excuse to start throwing 140 pound 22 years olds all of the place. Before I knew it I was in full blown MJ mode. People were cheering as I drunkenly performed the "Thriller" dance. About half way through I started to smell something not so great. I mean this was pungent. It smelled like baby food and rotten eggs. I started to gag. I immediately left the dance floor. How was no one else smelling this? I was frantically checking my shoes to see if I had stepped in shit. Then I saw something that I can emphatically say that I will never see again. First, LL was throwing up in a fake plastic witches cauldron. Second I saw a guy dressed as a giant oreo cookie with feces running down his legs. This was the origin of the smell. I noticed that everyone else had indeed noticed this and they all left the dance floor. The shitty oreo thought that everyone was enjoying his dancing and thought they were creating a circle around him. Apparently he didn't notice the girls dropping their drinks and running for cover or my friend LL throwing up in a big plastic pot. I took it upon myself to solve this dilemma.
Me: Are you serious dude?
Me: You have SHIT running down your legs!! Are you serious right now?
Oreo: What? Oh my god!
Me: Yeah get the fuck out of here. Go potty train. You're a disgrace to oreos! You've ruined me on oreos for the rest of my life!!
The Oreo ducked his head and ran off the dance floor and out of the bar. Everyone mocking him on his way out.
Now I don't want to sound self righteous. Ive had the odd night where Ive completely lost all of my faculties and pissed myself. But shitting yourself is crossing the line. Ive enclosed a photo of myself on one of these such nights. In this picture it was my 22nd Birthday. At the time of this picture I was unconscious and completely black out drunk. I'm quite certain that I had already pissed myself. I think that's why I had a huge body pillow draped over me. My FRIENDS if you can call them that are obviously concerned for my well being.
|We both have our shirts off because I had vomited all over myself|
and my buddy.