Friday, December 10, 2010

My Online Dating Profile

December 10, 2010

A friend of mine has been on a website called Ok Cupid for quite some time. Now Ok Cupid is a free dating website set up for those of us too cheap and too lazy to meet people the old fashioned way. Now I'm not knocking online dating as Ive heard its worked for many people in the past. But I decided since it's always been easy for me to meet girls that I should set up a profile with some rather odd content and see what kind of emails I received. Here is my online dating profile

26/ Male/ Straight/ Single
North Carolina

My Self Summary: Hey Ladies! My name is Mike and I'm in the Army and I'm awesome. I will be honest I don't want a relationship with anyone , I AM ON THIS SITE TO HAVE SEX WITH AS MANY GIRLS AS I CAN!!! See I told you I was awesome. Here are a few things you should know about me. I have an "irregular" penis. By irregular I mean its kind of shaped like a banana. But it works... Well it worked the last time I had sex. I usually blow my load really fast. When I yell "STOP" in bed I mean it bitch! If you don't stop then I'm going to paint your stupid face like a Jackson Pollock.  While we're having sex I will be flexing in the mirror "Patrick Batemen" style in hopes that my own self image will turn me on enough to get me to eventually reach climax.

Post coitus I will lay in the fetal position and suck my thumb like an infant. DO NOT touch me during my reflection time, if you do you will get 5 across the eyes. I will demand that when you're not in bed pleasuring me that you remain in the kitchen cooking things. I may not even be hungry but you will be required to cook my lunches for the entire week. After you're done cooking you will be asked to leave. Any back talk or lip will be dealt with mercilessly and swiftly ie. a black eye. 

What I'm doing with my Life: Trying to have sex with as many women as possible and you could be one of them if you "Act Right". Other than that I'm trying to set the Guiness Book of World Records record for "Most Masturbations in 24 hours".

I'm Really Good At: Sex , Breaking things n' stuff, Lighting things on fire n' junk, drinking alcohol, masturbating, putting things in oil drums, burying things with quick lime.

The First Thing People Notice about me is: My huge banana cock, my bloody knuckles and my smile.

My Favorite Books are: Anything written about Ted Bundy, Jefferey Dahmer, Richard Kuklinski, John Wayne Gacy, Richard Ramirez and Nicholas Sparks Books.

Six Things I couldn't Live without: 1.) Sex 2.) Piano Wire 3.) Quick Lime 4.) Lubricant 5.) My Delorean 6.) My IPhone

On a typical Friday night I am: Beating up drifters, strippers and hookers. Otherwise you can find me behind "China King" restaurant shooting dice with the bus boys.

I am Looking for :
Girls between the ages of 18-19 years old.
Who are single ( or not I dont give a shit)
Who want to have unprotected sex on the first date with a stranger.
Who have more than just a picture of your face. We all know that you're fat if you only post a picture of your face

All I can say is holy shit! I thought that I would be getting hate mail of epic proportions. Ive received mixed messages. Some girls decided to pick out the normal things that I strategically placed in there. One girl said "Haha I can't live without my IPhone either LOL". Are you serious? The thing immediately following that says I like to beat up hookers and strippers! Another girl commented on the fact that she loved Nicholas Sparks books most notably "Dear John". I'm in awe. Ive received more positive emails based of my profile than I have negative emails. It would be funny if they could see through the shenanigans and realize it's a joke. But some girls I think really want to come to my place get used and leave with a black eye. All I can say is that Online dating is awesome..... UPDATE: This is a joke. I would never date anyone that would respond positively to that profile. I was just curious to see who would respond and what they would say.


  1. That's funny as hell, but I bet a few of the "girls" looking to get used are 50 year old queers looking to get dominated by a "real man". Good post, though. I've been thinking about doing something similar with Plenty of Fish, only not being too outrageous, just detailing some sick fantasies and scenarios, and seeing what rises to the bait.

  2. I applaud your life's ambitions my friend.

  3. My partner at work used to this formerly average guy he went to high school with out two or three nights a week with a different girl - it turned out that he met them all of adultfriendfinder or craigslist. So what you wondered about girls ready to come over - I can confirm is true. They like your confidence, you have a job, are in shape. Try it.

  4. hahahaha thats great
    "When I yell "STOP" in bed I mean it bitch!"
    "Post coitus I will lay in the fetal position and suck my thumb like an infant. DO NOT touch me during my reflection time"
    unreal haha thats great...also find it funny how some girls wasted their time trying to pick out normal things u desperate are they?

  5. girl's love unexpected money shots.

  6. Yeah, I've done similar things making an exact fake profile and my own profile just switching only the pictures with some buff/cut dude.

    You wouldn't believe the horseshit chicks fed me just trying to gooble up this fake personas web cock.

  7. HAHAHA comical man, OK Cupid trolling, cant wait to see the replies!

    Time to finally see if the internet has girls :P

  8. You need to start sending messages now, really strange ones.

  9. LMAO i saw this profile on there first thing that came upon my head was DICK! yet i just happened to come upon your blog and i’m loving it.