Monday, June 27, 2011

St. Patricks Day 2011 Part II

Part II
March 17th 2011

My next clear memory is of me stumbling out of the Nashville Predators arena , stinking drunk with my friends in tow. At this point my cognitive abilities were that of a person with spina bifida. I was bumping into stationary objects and slurring my speech. On our way to the bars my friend Peaches decided to stop and speak with a few police officers. Why? I have no idea, she is quite literally the life of the party and can charm the pants off anyone, authorities included. When I saw her surrounded by the police, I ran over to her thinking she was in trouble and trying to diffuse the situation. The police immediately took an aggressive stance (from what I remember)

Cop: Oh who the fuck is this tough guy?

Me: Uhhh um officer that's my girlfriend, we're going now.

I grabbed peaches hand and we started running to catch up to our group. As we were running I heard one of the cops say "Damn and she was hot"... That pissed me off, instead of hitting on drunk girls , do your jobs cock suckers. We ended up hitting a bar that looked like a 1970's roller rink, it was creepy. I immediately took it upon myself to stand on a table while simultaneously drinking a green beer and eating sweet potato french fries. The funny thing is I was acting like an obnoxious shithead and I knew that the bouncers or bartenders would tell me to get off the table, but they never did. This prompted my friends to join me on the table top where we drank enough booze to make Tara Reid jealous.

We left that bar to either go back to the hotel or to another bar I truly cannot remember. On our way we noticed an argument across the street from us. There were about 6 guys yelling racial epithets at each other and god knows what else. One guy was thrown to the ground and proceeded to literally have his head stomped into the concrete by 3 of the guys, the other 2 stood and watched  in utter amazement. I drunkenly dashed into action. I sprinted across the street with my plan strategically mapped out. I would blind side the biggest one with an epic hay maker . I would proceed to sweep the next guys knee a la Dalton from "Road House"  and finally I would rear naked choke the smallest of the three.  Perfect plan right? As I approached the side walk not 5 feet from the fight, I tripped on the curb and drunkenly crashed into a trash can and went face first to the pavement. I lay on the pavement , trying to use the last of my ability to ya know stand up. It was not about saving that guys life anymore it was about self preservation. I figured any of local authorities would have hauled me off to prison if the had witnessed my drunken antics. Luckily my friends came over in a hurry and peeled me off the street.

My next memory is of me on top of a girl pumping away trying my best to satisfy her whilst not throwing up all over the place. We literally went at it for hours, my ability to maintain an erection that long without the use of any drugs still baffles me to this day. I never finished. But she happened to be a nurse and she took pity on me and gave me an IV between the dry heaving and cold sweats. She was a sweet girl.

The next day I went back to Clarksville TN and literally spent most of the day in the fetal position. I was so hung over it was amazing. I had to postpone my road trip for another day until I felt well enough to drive. That truly was an amazing St. Patrick's Day...... Apparently

Monday, May 30, 2011

St. Patricks Day 2011

Part 1
March 17th , 2011

I am kicking myself for not writing this story immediately after it happened.  My memory is very fuzzy of the events that occurred that night. I have lost  prospective female friends (booty calls) as a result  of the Facebook posts I made that evening in my drunken stupor. Here's the story.

I was in the process of moving from Fort Bragg North Carolina to Fort Carson Colorado. Prior to my leaving Bragg, I called some female friends of mine that lived in Nashville Tennessee. We made plans to meet up on St. Patricks day in Nashville. Also the Boston Bruins were coincidentally going to be playing the Nashville Predators that night. I am from Boston and although I detest hockey, I love any event that I can act like a drunk retard and get away with it. A bunch of drunk obnoxious Bostonians in a different city acting like dickheads, I knew this night would end in bloodshed and or prison.

The drive to Nashville from Fort Bragg was very uneventful. It was 500 mile of mountains and fucked up reception on the radio. On the way I realized that I didn't have a place to stay that night. I couldn't stay with my friends because they lived 70 passed Nashville, and I found it pointless to drive through Nashville and drive back in the morning. So I did what I always do. Searched my phone (with no hands on the wheel) for the cheapest flea bag motel I could find. And boy did I ever find it. Econo lodge downtown Nashville 32 dollars for the night. I should've known from the multiple surveillance cameras that I was in for a shit storm. When I entered my room the smell of cigarette smoke hit me like a punch in the face (even though I specifically asked for a non smoking room ). The comforter had multiple cigarette burns in it and it smelled like a hobo's ass. When I walked to the window to draw the shades I noticed  three shady gentleman standing not 100 feet away from my car in the parking. Not to sound like a dick but I drive a Mercedes Benz which stood out amongst the late 80's to 90's Toyota corollas in the parking lot. This was concerning to me. Not because of forth coming violence but because I happen to like my car. I'm a highly trained Special Forces soldier, I would have no problem gunning down three gang bangers if it were necessary. The streets would be safer without them , but I digress.  I intentionally walked out of my room and walked to my car. With them onlooking I took my Glock 22 out of my glove compartment loaded a magazine and chambered a round. I returned to my room. After the three S's , I laid in the rats nest that was my bed and immediately started scratching. Now I don't know much about bed bugs , but it freaked me the fuck out. So I ended up spending a sleepless night on a chair with my legs perched up on the table, still ever vigilant and aware of the 3 crackheads in the parking the lot.

I ended up meeting my friends at their hotel room the next morning around noon We were decked out in green and drinking four loko's like they were about to be discontinued ( oh wait they are ).  We hit our first bar around 1pm. People were staring at us the entire time. I'm assuming it was because of all of the green shit we were wearing.  I just stared back at them with contempt. They were weird for not wearing green I mean it was St. Patricks day. Around 2pm I was already eight 7&7's deep. My friends we'll call them Peaches and Reggie grew up with me and despite not having spent much time with me in the last 8 years , they knew that a disaster was forth coming if I didn't slow the flow of alcohol down my gullet (run on sentence FML). But they know I can hold my own and I'm not afraid of a prison fight.

We spent the next few hours bar hopping and listening to the various country bands that were playing pretty  much everywhere. I do have to say that these bands were all pretty amazing. It's no bullshit when they say the best country music comes from Nashville. All the while I fell into a whiskey soaked haze. Around 7pm my friends and I decided to walk across the street to the Bruins game. We didn't have tickets , so I loudly announced to no one in particular that I would handle the buying of the tickets. Seeing how drunk I was my friends looked on, fully expecting me to receive a fist to the head instead of tickets. We needed 9 tickets and I low balled the shit out of the filthy scalpers on the streets. They all turned me down and one even threatened to fight me.

Me: Fuck you motherfucker! Ill smash ya over your head with your house.

I said that and pointed at a trash can.  My friends were laughing hysterically not because it was a funny a joke, but because I was so shitfaced, I was trying to lift the can and because it was an awful joke. They whisked me away when an officer of the law took notice. We entered the packed stadium and Reggie immediately almost got into a fight with a girl and her boyfriend. I'm not known for being diplomatic , so I took it upon myself to intervene. I was a little more tactful this time around.  He weighed 350 pounds and was not in the best of cardiovascular shape. I weigh 225 and I'm very good shape. Whether I can fight when my BAC is pushing .30 is completely justifiable to question , but he didn't know that. I placed my hand on his shoulder turn him around.

Me: Dude, back the fuck off before I stomp your fat ass in front of your girlfriend.

He did what every guy does. He backed away without saying anything and started talking shit when he was a safe distance from me. Luckily for him , I have the memory of a goldfish when I drink , so he was a distant memory and there were more good times to be had. We ended up sitting in the nose bleed section. But I didn't care, it was more about heckling the Nashville fans than anything. Also we were located not far from the beer cart. I was double fisting Miller Lite tall boys for the rest of the night. The Nashville fans sitting around us were actually good sports and the heckling went both ways all in good nature. The Bruins ended up losing 4-3 and I completely blacked out as a result of 6 tall boys. Part 2 is coming soon , all of which I had to piece together from my friends account of what transpired that night. It involves fights, alcohol , sex  and IV's. It sounded like the best night of my life... Im pissed I can't remember it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

5 Things That Piss Me Off about Air Travel

January 22, 2011

From the title of this post most of you are going to say " 5 Things? I can think of 100 motherfucking things that piss me off about air travel" and I understand , If I were to write about every little thing that pissed me off about air travel then I'd have me a novel that would rival most classic novels.

Most things tend to piss me off anyway so I'm not sure if it's my own delusional negative attitude, so if anyone disagrees I do apologize. So here are the 5 Things I hate about air travel:

1.) Assholes that stand by the gate 30-40 minutes before boarding. I really don't understand this. They all resemble George Clooney from the movie "Up in the Air" so I can only assume they are weary business men that have "perfected" the art of travel. I tried to decipher the reason for this bizarre behavior but have come up short with a reasonable answer. When you board a plane you have seating assignments and boarding groups that generally go in sequence from 1-5. so if a person is going to be seated last why the fuck is standing at the gate, why not relax and have a seat? I don't know, am I the only person that has noticed this?

2.) The look on first class passengers face as you walk by. There are 3 things that first class passengers do as you pass by going to the Poh section of the plane. 1.) They stare at you with utter contempt. "How dare you breathe my air, this is rich people air, now hurry on to the rear of the plane". 2.) They give you the "I'm sorry I'm richer and better than you" look. They briefly make eye contact with you sort of shrug their shoulder as if to say  "Sorry dude , now head to the back and row with the other slaves" 3.) They bury their heads in a crossword puzzle or their Blackberry ad refuse to acknowledge anyones existence.

3.) How slow people are exiting the plane. If it takes you longer than 5 seconds to remove your luggage from the over head compartment then you suck at life. It takes people a fucking life time to get their shit and leave the plane, it never fails to amaze me how unprepared people are. If you're one of those people that ties their shoe in the aisle , then takes their sweet ass time putting on their jacket and getting their luggage  then FUCK YOU... Everyone hates you and wishes there were restrictions against people like you flying on commercial airliners. NOTE: Old people are exempt from this rule because they cannot physically move fast enough , they are not inconsiderate asshole like those other people. 

                                                       Need I say more, traveling sucks!

4.) People that talk to me on planes. Holy shit, I think I attract Chatty Kathy's and Gabby Joe's. When I travel I always bring an IPod and a book with me. I do this because I hate talking to strangers about their lives. It also acts as a deterrent to anyone wanting to strike up a conversation with me. But every now and again you'll find someone so starved for human contact that they'll completely ignore the fact that I want a nice relaxing flight and they'll talk my fucking ears off. Fuck you too... Assholes.

5.) Military personnel flying first class. I know this one will raise a lot of eyebrows and probably piss people off. Okay,  95% of the military personnel you see at the airport wearing their uniform have no business wearing their uniform at the airport. They do it to seek praise, to get free shit and to gain access to First class seating. When I left basic training I wore my ACU's ( Army combat uniform) to the airport because I was retarded and didn't know any better. I refused first class seating and anything that was offered to me. I'm not self righteous , I just felt uncomfortable receiving gifts for doing my job.  Recently I was on a plane and saw a Lieutenant Colonel flying with his ACU's on , a passenger in First class offered him his seat and this guy accepted. I was pissed off to say the least. A Lieutenant Colonel with over 15 years in the Army makes well over 110,000 a year, that D Bag can buy a first class ticket if he wants to fly in that fashion. NOTE: Some military personnel are required to travel with their uniform on, so they are an obvious exception, but the rest are assholes.

Does this shit piss anyone else off? If anyone can add to the shit list please I'd love to hear about it.