St. Patricks Day 2011 Part II

Part II
March 17th 2011




My next clear memory is of me stumbling out of the Nashville Predators arena , stinking drunk with my friends in tow. At this point my cognitive abilities were that of a person with spina bifida. I was bumping into stationary objects and slurring my speech. On our way to the bars my friend Peaches decided to stop and speak with a few police officers. Why? I have no idea, she is quite literally the life of the party and can charm the pants off anyone, authorities included. When I saw her surrounded by the police, I ran over to her thinking she was in trouble and trying to diffuse the situation. The police immediately took an aggressive stance (from what I remember)

Cop: Oh who the fuck is this tough guy?

Me: Uhhh um officer that's my girlfriend, we're going now.

I grabbed peaches hand and we started running to catch up to our group. As we were running I heard one of the cops say "Damn and she was hot"... That pissed me off, instead of hitting on drunk girls , do your jobs cock suckers. We ended up hitting a bar that looked like a 1970's roller rink, it was creepy. I immediately took it upon myself to stand on a table while simultaneously drinking a green beer and eating sweet potato french fries. The funny thing is I was acting like an obnoxious shithead and I knew that the bouncers or bartenders would tell me to get off the table, but they never did. This prompted my friends to join me on the table top where we drank enough booze to make Tara Reid jealous.

We left that bar to either go back to the hotel or to another bar I truly cannot remember. On our way we noticed an argument across the street from us. There were about 6 guys yelling racial epithets at each other and god knows what else. One guy was thrown to the ground and proceeded to literally have his head stomped into the concrete by 3 of the guys, the other 2 stood and watched  in utter amazement. I drunkenly dashed into action. I sprinted across the street with my plan strategically mapped out. I would blind side the biggest one with an epic hay maker . I would proceed to sweep the next guys knee a la Dalton from "Road House"  and finally I would rear naked choke the smallest of the three.  Perfect plan right? As I approached the side walk not 5 feet from the fight, I tripped on the curb and drunkenly crashed into a trash can and went face first to the pavement. I lay on the pavement , trying to use the last of my ability to ya know stand up. It was not about saving that guys life anymore it was about self preservation. I figured any of local authorities would have hauled me off to prison if the had witnessed my drunken antics. Luckily my friends came over in a hurry and peeled me off the street.

My next memory is of me on top of a girl pumping away trying my best to satisfy her whilst not throwing up all over the place. We literally went at it for hours, my ability to maintain an erection that long without the use of any drugs still baffles me to this day. I never finished. But she happened to be a nurse and she took pity on me and gave me an IV between the dry heaving and cold sweats. She was a sweet girl.

The next day I went back to Clarksville TN and literally spent most of the day in the fetal position. I was so hung over it was amazing. I had to postpone my road trip for another day until I felt well enough to drive. That truly was an amazing St. Patrick's Day...... Apparently