Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Knife Fights in Kandahar

October 27th, 2010

Knife fights in Kandahar are a series of short stories my friends and I began writing in basic training. It's a satirical comedic series about a grizzled old school Green Beret. He's typical of what the public views as retired Green Berets. Early 50's, in very good shape, smokes lucky strikes, drinks nothing but wild turkey, commits outlandish acts with no consequences. I think you know where I'm going with this. He begins every story with the date, and the place, which is always Kandahar. He kicks ass, kills ALOT of people, smacks his superiors around and does anything and everything you've seen Green Beret's do in movies and completely get away with it.

I decided to post this almost as a disclaimer to anyone willing to read the garbage I'm posting on this site. "Knife Fights in Kandahar" are FICTIONAL stories my friends and I made up. I'll be posting them in the near future. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I like writing them.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Laptops in Starbucks : Fucking up my day

October 25, 2010

Every now and again I go to Starbucks to grab a sandwich and a coffee for lunch. Finding an open seat in Starbucks is like finding an open chair in a free blowjob contest sponsored by Victoria Secret. It doesn't happen. Why do you think that is? It's because of the D-bags that sit in Starbucks all day typing away on their laptops and consuming all of the free air their uppity lungs can get their hands on. Still don't know who I'm talking about , allow me to paint you a picture:

This person has no muscle tone. This is due to a lack of activity and a vegan , gluten free diet. This person wears wire frame glasses. This person enjoys a good pair of slacks with a like colored shirt. If this person wears jeans they are purchased at the Gap or Banana Republic. They are straight leg, slim fit. No boot cut jeans for this person. This person is always carrying a backpack with a half full Nalgene bottle in the outer pocket. If this person is not carrying a backpack he is carrying his shoulder slung laptop bag. This person has a vague job title most likely a consultant. But we all know he really doesn't do anything and this person contributes nothing to society. If this person is  not a consultant then he's an 8th year 30 + year old college student that is studying philosophy.

I think at this point you have a good idea of who I'm talking about. I think these people need attention. They crave it by showing their cool laptops in public. Their excuse is my roommates are too loud and this is the only place I can concentrate. Your apartment is too loud? Your roommates loud Fiona Apple playlist is distracting you? Well how about a loud coffee shop that is always packed and where you're interrupted by an annoyed barista who wants that table for patrons that are willing to spend more than 2.99. I would gladly pay 100 dollars to anyone willing to take a dump on one of these laptops and close the lid. Oh and you don't have to worry about physical confrontation, these people are almost certainly pacifists.

Mickey Rourke's Hands are Vomit Worthy

October 25th 2010

Before I joined the Army I was an actor. Now I know what you're thinking, this guy is a douche. He's an art house goon that didn't want to get a real job. That I would play a harmonica on 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica for nickels. But I was a working actor , so shut up.

Anyway I booked a commercial once that required the camera to zoom in on one of my hands. Now if I remember correctly the assistant director checked my hands to make sure they were suitable for an on camera shot. My hands are okay I guess and the director deemed them worthy of an on screen appearance. Had they been Mickey Rourke esq. they would have had a "Hand Double" replace my hands. Why do I bring this up?

Recently I watched Iron Man 2. It was a very good movie. Mickey Rourke generally plays characters that are rough around the edges. Wrestlers, Bounty Hunters, genius Russian Scientist that can build self sustaining , renewable energy sources with common household goods. So I understand that his appearance may be undesirable. But that guys hands are objectionable. Seriously, it looks like he dipped his hands in battery acid. I'm in the army and my hands and feet get dirty all of the time. But after they get dirty, I ya know.... wash them! Its pretty simple, a bar of soap and some water will do the trick. Also, every few weeks I cut my nails. I'm not metro sexual by any means , but come on if you're making a few million a movie you can afford 99 cent nail clippers as well as a bar of soap to wash the aforementioned hands and feet. Ill admit I have a serious aversion towards hands and feet. It's one of my many short comings. So please Mickey Rourke wear some gloves and socks, I'll even pay for them.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Kilsauce recieves a penicillin Cumshot

 August 14th, 2008

I like porn…. No no I love porn. But no one loves porn as much as Kilsauce. When Kilsauce interviewed with a very clandestine government agency for a summer internship, he was asked a battery of personal and revealing questions. Questions such as “ Have you ever stolen anything?” to “When was the last time you received a parking ticket?”.  After an excruciating long interview process they follow it up with a polygraph test to make sure you haven’t lied about anything.

Kilsauce racked his huge brain prior to the interview to make sure he wouldn’t be blind sided by any unusual questions. Well, there was one question he wasn’t prepared to answer. It went something like this…

Interviewer: Okay Mr. Kilsauce, Do you watch and or own any pornography?

Kilsauce: Uhhh… yeah…

Interviewer: Okay how often do you watch pornography and how much do you own?

Kilsauce: Uhhhh…. Everyday…. I own a 250GB hard drive..

Interviewer: Oh well how much….

Kilsauce: Yeah it’s full.

They stare at each other blankly and in silence for about 5 seconds as if the interviewer is waiting for the punch line.

Interviewer: I’ve never heard that before, I appreciate your candor.

A very uncomfortable situation, but Kilsauce got the summer internship. In spite of having a great opportunity to work at his dream job he decided that he was too young and needed to experience life so he joined the army to attempt the humbling feat of becoming a Special Forces soldier. But I digress.

How does one receive a penicillin cumshot? Well join the Army and you may find out. When I was at 30th AG I was forced to get a number of shots. Afterward I was left with a sore arm, ass and ego. I was certain that my sleight was wiped clean from every cock smoking whore I had fornicated with in the past. 

Kilsauce really got the short end of the stick. The needle was about 8 inches long and could puncture steel. The private first class that administered his injection wasn't a day over 18 years old. His greasy acne covered face spat forth an uneducated southern twang that made Billy Ray Cyrus sound like Albert Einstein.
Kilsauce stepped behind the curtain and reluctantly dropped his shorts noting the grime under the medics fingernails.

Medic: Don't Wurrie this'll only pinch fur a second....

Kilsauce took a deep breath and braced for a 8 inch beveled needle to enter his ass. The pain shot through his entire body. The needle felt like it was filled with cement rather than antibiotics. Kilsauce began to feel a sense of relief , the worst was over , that's when he felt a slimy liquid creeping down his butt cheeks.

Kilsauce: Ahh..what's going on man?

Medic: Sorry man, I dun broke the needle off in yur ass.. Haha... Hold on I get anuther one.

Kilsauce: WHAT? No fucking way.... Are you retarded? That fucking hurt enough and you didn't even give me the shot... I look like Audrey Bitoni post coitus .

Realizing that this was in fact the United States Army and that he had no choice in the matter regardless of rank. Kilsauce sucked it up and received his penicillin shot.  For the rest of the day he walked around with a crusty white substance covering the ass of his shorts. Kilsauce loved seeing cumshots onscreen, but when it was flipped on its ear and he finally got his come-up-ins as it were, it tramatized him. He claims that he gags everytime he sees a dude let loose on screen now.  As boring as this sounds, this was just the tip of the iceberg when it came the abuse Kilsauce received at 30th AG.

(note: 30th AG is the place where soldiers go to in process into the Army. It is supposed to last 3-5 days, but just like everything in the Army it took three times as long. Your days are essentially filled by standing in never ending lines to receive medical screenings, equipment, ID cards etc.)