Saturday, November 27, 2010

MREs My Poo and A Frisky Doctor

November 27th 2010

The military has an acronym for EVERYTHING..... It's fucking annoying sometimes I just want people to stop being lazy and stop shortening every word, it's like little kids internet talk LOL, LMAO, TTYL you get the idea. Anyway the acronym MRE is actually one I happen to agree with. MRE stands for Meal Ready to Eat. I'd rather say "Hey man pass me an MRE" than " Hey man pass me a Meal Ready to Eat.
The MRE's US troops eat today.

MRE's are prepackaged meals troops eat when they can't make it to a chow hall (cafeteria). They have a wide variety from Buffalo Chicken to Meatloaf. They also have a variety of different side meals from mashed potatoes to M&M's. They are actually pretty good.

The only problem with MRE's is that they are jam packed with preservatives. This is great for the longevity of the meal but bad when it comes to digestion. The thing I dread the most when I'm in the field is taking a shit after eating an MRE. I know everyone is laughing and you probably think I'm joking, but I couldn't be more serious. It's like shitting a bowling ball. Honestly it makes respect pornstars and any woman that can stand having anal sex.


A few years ago I had just returned from a long training exercise. We ate nothing but MRE's the entire time. Afterward I had to get a physical in order to attend Airborne school. The doctor, took my blood pressure, asked me all of the compulsory questions etc.


Doc: Alright Specialist Mike, now I'm going to need you to drop your pants and turn around.

Me: Umm.... Seriously?

I had no choice. It was either take the "Finger" or get dropped from Airborne school.  I reluctantly dropped my pants. The doctor took out an industrial size bottle of lubricant. I contemplated asking him where I could pick up such a large bottle, but ultimately I decided to keep my mouth shut and accept my fate. The sound of the lubricant squishing out of the bottle onto his finger was enough to make me gag. I took a deep breath and braced myself for insertion. When the Doc slid his finger in my bum my entire body tensed up. I was white knuckling the table, my fingers digging into the nylon padding.

Before I knew it , it was over. There was an awkward silence. The doctor began writing on his evaluation sheet.

Doc: Alright Specialist Mike, everything seems to be in order. You have some blood in your stool , but that's okay.


Are you fucking serious? Where I'm from blood in your shit is usually a problem. But I'm not a doctor or anything. He went on to explain that if you eat nothing but MRE's for a long time then it's not unusual to have blood in your poo. I was flabbergasted. But that's the price you pay for survival I guess.

The shit my grandfather ate during WWII, they were called C-Rations

26 comments:

  1. I had to eat MREs after Hurricane Katrina... not half bad but all-in-all NEVAR AGAIN

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  2. It doesn't sound too good if you had bloody !@#$ lol

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  3. they're not bad every once in a while but when ya gotta eat em for a few months straight it will definitely start messin with ya.

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  4. I always sucked down the peanut butter on the first day in the field. I hated searching for a shrub to squat behind, so I was stove up the whole time. But I never had to do them as a staple food supply, maybe a week at a time.Air Wing, in the rear with the gear...

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  5. Wow, that bottom picture looks ancient. I'm glad they stepped it up a little bit with the food.

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  6. The funny part is that it doesn't taste that bad!

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  7. I've always wanted to try an MRE. but I think I'll pass now.

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  8. all of those preservatives make this sound very unappealing

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  9. Oh MRE's...god. It's edible but you sure won't be happy about it afterwards. I feel your pain, man; and I'm sorry. I believe the real question is...

    You didn't accidentally eat the toilet paper did you? That and the food are sometimes hard to tell apart.

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  10. I guess you can say I'm a bit of an organic freak... all these preservatives would probably make me sick haha.

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  11. "The thing I dread the most when I'm in the field is taking a shit after eating an MRE. " hahahahha

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  12. Ouch, that doctor was used to this kind of stuff I guess ... For how long did you eat MRE ?

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  13. I know ppl who eat those when they go on week long camping trips...sucks to take a dump but that's the price of a quick meal.
    I'll stick to some cranberries and trail mix. :D

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  14. Haha, yeah, bloody shit is NEVER okay imo

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  15. Your story made me laugh, I remember a mate of mine telling how he had to have an 8 inch long camera shoved up his bum by the doctor, he was walking like John Wayne for a week!!

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  16. You guys are such weenies when it comes to getting your butt checked out. LOL makes me laugh every time I read or hear about a prostate experience! hahaha

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  17. What a interesting post... I'm sorry to hear you had to get a finger up your ass... Sounds awkward. Hope it was worth it. Umm.. yeah... :)

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  18. I heard some of this stuff tastes pretty good.

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  19. I was already to order a whole mess of 'em 'til you got to the "blood in your poo" part.

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  20. I usually spend hours on the net reading blogs on various subjects. And, I really would like to praise you for writing such a fabulous article.I really like your way of information given.Thanks! ration MREs meals ready-to-eat

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